i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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