No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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