Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
