You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
