I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
