Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
