My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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