put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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