Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
