I think my fart just growled at me.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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