I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
