Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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