Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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