Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
