Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
