After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
