I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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