Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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