I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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