got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i need some magic done to my vagina
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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