You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
