Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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