As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
