i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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