i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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