u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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