Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
