Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
The adults are the big ones right?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
