peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
