I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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