i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
