when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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