ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
