just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
