its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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