It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
