I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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