we have officially lost it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
