this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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