btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
