the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we're making bets on your personal life
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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