So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
