swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm bleeding and have questions
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
