discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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