Where are you?
In a non slutty way
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
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I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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