Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
