Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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