Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
