You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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