so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
