I am in a vortex of obligation.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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