Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
