So drunk its hurt
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
