"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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