The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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